After two bad days at the beginning of this week, all I wanted from yesterday was to survive it. Thanks to my lovely friends, it was better than that, but Wednesdays are exhausting and by the end of it I was feeling very low. It was good having Paul around, but after we had both done only half of my normal crazy Wednesday schedule each we were so tired that the evening was a bit of a write-off. So my birthday finished with a big cry and a sleepless night, and I’ve been feeling very fragile today. And now it’s after midnight, and I’ve just about made it through the day but I haven’t managed to relax yet. I can’t go to bed feeling like this or I won’t sleep at all, so I am going to try and think of some positive things that happened today. I’m too late for #bepbb on twitter (be positive before bedtime) so I will do it here instead. Paul managed to give all the children a bath and hair wash before he left for work this morning (we were too tired to do it last night!) Then a very kind friend came and looked after the children while I did some shopping. It was stressful and my anxiety levels were quite high, but it would have been much worse if I’d had to take the children with me, and I enjoyed a cup of tea and a chat with my friend when I got home. This afternoon Paul’s aunt and uncle popped in with a birthday present for me – some Palestinian Medjoul dates which I love. Even on a bad day, there are always things to be thankful for. And “Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.” You know where that quotation comes from, right? Answers on a postcard… (or in the comments!)
A lovely thing happened on twitter a week or so ago. A very special blogging friend mentioned that she was going to nominate my blog for the MADs. I never ever thought that would happen, and it got me thinking. I’m not sure what category my blog would fit in. Unless there’s a “most neglected blog” option perhaps! I have been rather quiet on here recently, though I’ve had plenty I could have been writing about. I have hundreds of photos of the children doing wonderful, creative things, and I should blog them but I’ve been finding it really hard to do. I need to get back into a blogging routine, and I’m sure I will, but I think I need to deal with what’s been stopping me first.
This blog has been, from the start, mainly about the children. I love having it as a record of our family life and our home education, but there has been something missing. It hasn’t really been about me, and I’ve suddenly realised the significance of that. My life hasn’t really been about me for a long time, and I think that needs to change. I have tried to put other people first and keep myself in the background. I think that’s ok up to a point, but I need to fit myself in somewhere.
So this is me. In the words of my lovely husband “a bit loopy”, and I can’t say I disagree. Struggling again with depression and anxiety, which has come and gone over the years but never left me. Often found on twitter at 2am hanging out with fellow insomniacs. Some days just getting through the day. Other days feeling impossibly lucky and loved. I have a wonderful and endlessly patient husband, four funny and lovely children and some truly amazing friends.
Today is my birthday, and this post is my present to myself. I’m reclaiming my blog, and I hope normal service will now resume, though it might be a new normal. I can’t finish this without a mention for the people who have made it possible for me to get to this point. Paul, thank you for putting up with me. I’ve no idea how you do it but long may it continue! Sarah, thank you for picking up the pieces every time I fall apart, and I will try to stop doing that every day so you can have a bit of a break. You are always there for me and I know how lucky I am. Merry and Jennie, thank you both for being lovely and helping me more than you know. And as for the MADs, I’m not kidding myself that I will be there, but Merry thank you for making me love my blog again.
This is me. And I think I will be ok.